Audition Information…

Robert: Well, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. I must be some lucky fellow. Why, who would have thought that I, Robert Martin, would be marrying a glamorous show girl and that that glamorous show girl would be willing to five up a successful career for me, Robert Martin. Let me tell you the moment when I knew that Janet was the only one for me. We were standing on the Lido deck of the Isle de France. I was amusing her with stories of my father’s oil interests. I looked into her eyes, her big glamorous eyes, and I felt all woozie. And then I fell on my keister. That’s when I knew that I loved her.

Man in Chair: I hate the theatre. Well, it’s so disappointing, isn’t it? You know what I do when I’m sitting in a darkened theatre waiting for the show to begin? I pray. Dear God, please let it be a good show. And let it be short, please. Two hours is fine, three hours is too much. And keep the actors out of the audience…I didn’t pay good money to have the fourth wall come crashing down around my ears. I just want a good story, and a few good songs that will take me away. I just want to be entertained. I mean isn’t that the point.

Gangster: Your confusion is to be expected. Although we stand here before you in the guise of innocent pastry chefs, we are also – and primarily – employees of a certain individual. A certain individual who happens to be largest single investor in Feldzieg’s Follies. He has sent us here – As pastry chefs – to express his concern about Ms. Van de Graaff’s impending nuptials. Specifically, that if she gets married and leaves the show, then there ain’t no show. We have your word she won’t leave, but, to go back on that word-would be a recipe for disaster. Now, one cannoli hope we have made ourselves perfectly Eclair.

Adolpho (with bad Italian accent): I am Aldolpho. What? De groom, he insult me. He call me… Aldolpho…. A scoundrel? This is outrageous! Why, I must… I must… I must take-a this groom into my hands and kill him! No… not kill him. Aldolpho might get in trouble… Just hurt him, like he hurt Aldolpho. I will go to him. Wait…. What kind of man is this groom? A big man? A burly fellow? No. No. No. Aldolpho will not fight big men-small, pale, wheezy, little dwarf people that Aldolpho can (mimes swinging a golf club) punt far away. But no big men!

George: Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don’t worry. I have this whole wedding planned out. The key is organization. See? (holding up his fingers, each with a string tied around it) Each string represents a task yet to be completed. Pay the musicians, yell at the florist, book the Minister. This whole wedding’s going to run like clockwork. (Phone Rings) Hello, Oh good I was just….. what! your not coming? You don’t say? Well, why don’t you just slime back into your mud hole, you backstabbing worm! (he hangs up) Well, now I have to find another minister. Boy is this tuff. You got the easy part! I’ve still got to get rice, boutonnieres, and a minister! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!

Underling: Yes madam? Ah you have put on your new dress. You look radiant, Mrs. Tottendale. I know
how you love that dress. It’s a miracle, madam. (sarcastically) It never goes out of style. Breakfast
will be served in the Arabian Room. I know the stress of the wedding being canceled has been trying and you might enjoy a glass of refreshing… ice water. Since the bride called off the wedding shall I have the pews removed now, or would you prefer I wait until morning? (Listening) Very good madam.

Feldzieg: Getting married and leaving show business. Doesn’t she know I got obligations? Especially to a certain individual…a certain individual who is the major investor in the show and who would be very upset if Janet Van-de-Graaf was no longer the star. I’ve got to stop this wedding but how? How? (gets an idea) I know… I’ll do what my sainted mother always told me… if all else fails… beg! (gets on knees and pretends to beg to Janet) Oh Janet. I am begging you. Dump the mug, stay with the Follies. I’ll give you anything you want. I’ll… I’ll … oh, fine, I’ll put your name above mine on the marquee.

Janet: In a few hours I’m going to be Mrs. Robert Martin. Oh, my head is spinning . I’m so full of apprehension, But I suppose that is normal, considering the circumstances. I know it seems crazy to give up a successful career to marry a man I hardly know, but somehow, for some reason when I look into his eyes…ah gee. .. I get all woozy. And that’s love isn’t it?

Mrs. Tottendale: Underling, what is the commotion? A wedding? Oh, I love a wedding and I do love this dress so. It never goes out of style. The Pastry chefs have been kind enough to provide the liquor for the party, but remember Underling, we have to be discreet. It is prohibition after all. We’ll have to use code words. For instance, if someone asks for a glass of ice water, it means they want a glass of vodka. Have you got that? Well, it’s settled then. One less thing to do…Maybe you want to write it down.

Drowsy Chaperone: (Being philosophical) Yes, marriage, like life, is a mad whirlwind. Really, dear, if you are that worried why don’t you ask him? Why don’t you say, “Roger, do you love me?” Now I know you shouldn’t see the groom before the wedding and as the Chaperone that is my job and I take the responsibility very seriously. However, I’m just this moment feeling terribly, terribly drowsy. I’m afraid I have to have a lie-de-down. Now whatever you do, don’t go wandering through the garden seeking out your fiancé to ask him the question upon which your future happiness depends. (she watches her leave)

Kitty: Mr. Feldzieg just has to give me a shot at being the leading lady. I mean, he is putting gangster in the show and not me, I don’t understand it. He said it himself -I’m useless in the chorus. I been taking lessons just to be sure; Singing. Acting. Ballet. Yeah. I’m pretty good too. Last week I auditioned for Swanaee Lake. I’ve also been working on a Mind Reading act. Presenting “Kitty, the Incomprehensible.” (speaking to audience) I’ll prove it to you… Now, think of something. (closing her eyes and concentrating) Wait! I’m getting it… “pick up some milk … and a loaf of rye bread … and don’t forget to shave your legs.” (she opens her eyes with a confused look, she slaps her head) Oh… I am reading my own mind, how silly! No wonder it was so easy.